


everywhere i turn (i hurt someone)

by running2u



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, but it's only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 12:26:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17601338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/running2u/pseuds/running2u
Summary: he always does this. taeyong always does this.





	everywhere i turn (i hurt someone)

**Author's Note:**

> **TW: mentions of starving, but nothing specific or gory**  
>  p sure this is shit. it's just me self projecting onto taeyong, and it's honestly a mess.

he always does this. taeyong _always_ does this.

 

and he doesn’t know if it’s because he’s such a horrible fucking person that obviously it must carry over into his friendships, or if he just has a big sign stapled to his back begging “please treat me wrong.” he doesn’t know. 

 

the thing is though, taeyong doesn’t want to just say people only hurt him because that’s a lie, he has hurt people too, and it would be wrong and ignorant to just assume that he’s always the victim, never at fault. so he doesn’t know how to think about these situations. but it’s always easier to take the blame, to say it’s always his fault. it’s easier. people get off guilt-free, and there’s no question about what caused it. it’s easier. straightforward and simple. 

 

(there’s a stupid rational, logical, reasonable part of his brain that always bangs on his skull, screaming at him that _no you don’t deserve this, stop taking the blame for things that aren’t your fault, or else you’ll keep getting hurt, stop, stop, stop!_

 

most times he just locks that part of his brain into a tiny space far in the back of his head, where it can’t make it back to the front of his mind. taeyong wouldn’t know what to do if he actually started treating himself kindly.)

 

and eventually, once enough people have hurt him, taeyong starts to lose faith. surprisingly, it only takes three people to really crack down on him and convince him there’s something wrong with him and he’s the problem. there’s only so many failed friendships (that failed on account of how they were treating him) before he can’t help but think that there isn’t much hope in trying again. 

 

the loss of hope manifests until there’s a monster in his mind, bigger than he’s ever had, looming over him and dictating him, feeding him constant lies ( _not lies_ , the monster sneers in the back of his mind, _truths_ ). like how he doesn’t deserve love (and maybe he doesn’t), how he’s the only causing problems in the relationships and if he just wasn’t him, he would actually have stable relationships (taeyong admits that he always has been a handful), and how he’s such a shitty piece of trash for hurting all those people in his broken friendships, that he deserves to be hurt, deserves everything bad coming for him (and taeyong believes it, believes it so fiercely that he starves himself, not allowing himself food; keeps himself up until hours into the early morning, not allowing himself sleep; pushes himself in everything he does – exercise, work – until he can barely see straight through the fatigue, not allowing himself to rest, because he _deserves_ it, all of it). it snowballs, and he spirals but keeps _going with it_ because he deserves all the pain, deserves everything that hurts him, because of all the hurt and pain he’s ever inflicted onto anyone else. 

 

taeyong doesn’t stop, doesn’t allow himself to stop. he keeps pushing it, forcing himself to endure the pain and not reach out to any of the friends he has left in his life because _it would just make another mark on the list of people’s hurt, because no matter what he does, if he talks to them, he_ will _hurt them._

 

he pushes himself away from people he was close with and thinks that they’re better off without him, not noticing the longing stares his friends send after him when he ditches lunch halfway in, sick to the stomach because of how much he’d eaten (only half of a salad and some beef, but it was too much, sitting heavy at the bottom of his stomach), hating how he forces his friends to be around him and oh god, he must have ruined their lunch because he showed up, he should go– 

 

and it spirals, spirals, spirals, until he doesn’t even realize how deep he’s gone, doesn’t even acknowledge how bad he’s gotten. 

 

his friends (the ones that for some unknown reason decide to stay with taeyong) worry, worry, worry, watching as their strongest friend crumbles and caves in on himself and becomes a shell. 

 

they stage an intervention, because what else could they do? they ask taeyong to meet up for movie marathon saturday, and it takes hours to convince him that they want him there and _no, we checked, you’re off work that saturday._

 

saturday arrives. taeyong barely keeps down the small amount of banana he had managed to swallow down. he goes to yuta's house – the biggest and most comfortable, as agreed by everyone. the door opens, yuta welcomes him in. everyone else is already there, seated around the couch, and taeyong doesn’t know what to do, how to act, because they’re all staring at him, staring at this _mess_ of a human being that they should be ashamed to call their friend. 

 

but taeyong sucks it up, and smiles awkwardly. “what movie do you guys want to watch? have you decided yet?” 

 

the five of them look around at each other, before johnny nervously speaks up. “actually, yong, we wanted to talk to you.” 

 

taeyong stiffens. he made them worry, he couldn’t do one thing right and hide his problems well enough and now everyone knew and were burdened with his messy life and this was it, this was them kicking him out of their lives for being such a shitty friend and–

 

coughing, taeyong glances at his phone and says, “oh, i, uh, actually just got a text and they need me back at the café, because someone had to cancel, and i’m so sorry but maybe next saturday if everyone’s schedules match…?” he knows it's a shitty excuse and not even believable but he can't stay there any longer. he backs away to the door slowly, but he’s stopped by someone grabbing onto his wrist. he looks down, to see a distraught taeil. 

 

“taeyong, _please_ , you keep running from us, please let us in, let us help, _please_.”

 

and, even though the monster in his head is wreaking havoc, smashing its fists on his skull, taeyong stays. nodding shortly and swallowing heavily, taeyong takes a seat on the empty space on the couch where no one else seems to want to sit near. 

 

awkwardly, he curls up, hugging his knees to his chest, as he anxiously waits for the other shoe to drop. 

 

surprisingly, it’s jungwoo that speaks up next. “taeyong hyung... what are you doing to yourself?” and oh, he sounds so sad, so upset, and taeyong caused this, and he doesn’t know what to do. 

 

“i’m sorry,” he blurts out, “i’m so sorry, i understand if i’m too much and you never want to see me again, and –” 

 

“woah, woah, what? where did you get that?” yuta asks, bewildered. “tae, this wasn’t to kick you out of the friend group? this was to help you, because something obviously happened and we want to help you, because you’re our friend.” 

 

and taeyong can’t help it, can’t stop the pitiful “but why?” from escaping his lips. 

 

the room seems to freeze. they all have stricken looks on their faces. 

 

“why what? why are we friends with you? why do we want to help you? taeyong, why would you even ask that?” taeil cautiously approaches him, as if he was a startled cat, and taeyong can’t look at him. 

 

“because i’m a shitty person, and everyone else seems to think so too, and i would understand if you guys were like the others and broke it off,” taeyong mumbles, still refusing to look at taeil, even as he sits right beside taeyong. 

 

“what others?” yuta asks, his big eyes so sad that it hurts taeyong. 

 

a couple minutes pass and taeyong stays mute, not wanting to burden them anymore, not wanting to make it worse. but the jungwoo cuts through the silence. “hyung… please let us help you, please. we want to help you.” 

 

jungwoo says it in his endearingly soft voice, the one that soothes over stings and scrapes and it washes over him, and it feels so nice after so long of just endless pain, that taeyong breaks a little. 

 

“wh– yong? why are you crying?” but taeyong buries his head into his knees, curling into himself as much as he can, and he can barely hear over himself crying that he can’t tell who said it – johnny, maybe.

 

big arms surround him, encasing him, and warming him, and taeyong breaks even more. whimpering, unable to stop himself, he curls into whoever is holding him and cries. 

 

a few minutes later, he finally calms down enough to lift his head before he immediately buries his head into the person holding him again out of embarrassment. he just broke down in front of them, god how pathetic can he get? there’s a hand carding through his hair, and he can't remember the last time he was comforted, can't remember the last time he _allowed_ himself to be comforted. 

 

after letting himself hide for another couple of minutes, taeyong pulls himself back to sitting position. clearing his throat, he mumbles out another apology but taeil flicks him. “stop apologizing, idiot. just let us help you, please.” 

 

so, against the judgement of the raging monster living in his head, taeyong opens up and tells them everything. tells them of the people he had been friends with who had hurt him, and how it all spiralled into starving himself, and distancing himself, and working himself to the bone. as he shares more of his story, his friends pitch in with support, assuring taeyong they’ll help him, support him through recovery, and do what they can to keep him from hurting himself. 

 

it’s all so overwhelming and such a foreign feeling to him because he could barely remember the last time he had felt this supported and cared for because he hadn’t allowed himself to have this. and it all piles up until taeyong is crying again, burying into johnny, before laughing and assuring his friends he’s so thankful and happy that it’s all turning around thanks to them. 

 

and they all know it won’t be an immediate fix, that it will take time, because unhealthy coping mechanisms don’t disappear overnight (especially not eating disorders or mental illnesses), but they all know that they’ll be there until the end, until taeyong is better and happy and _taeyong_ again, every step of the way, because he is their friend and means so much to them and they want to make sure he’s still there with them in the future.


End file.
